


The Soundtrack To Their Lives

by idrilhadhafang



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angry Poe Dameron, Angst Train, Ben Solo Lives, Break Up, Canon Compliant, Canonical Character Death, Come as Lube, Comfort Sex, Could Be Canon, Dreamsharing, Emotional Manipulation, Explicit Sexual Content, Fix-It, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Manipulative Sheev Palpatine, Mind Rape, Missing Scene, Nightmares, POV Rey (Star Wars), Past Character Death, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Reylo, Past Torture, Poe & Rey Friendship, Pre-Star Wars: The Force Awakens, References to Drugs, Reunited and It Feels So Good, Running Away, Shuffle Exercise, Songfic, Star Wars: The Rise of Kylo Ren Spoilers, Writing Exercise, mentions of torture
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-11
Updated: 2020-03-28
Packaged: 2021-03-01 02:14:14
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 19
Words: 6,450
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23107537
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/idrilhadhafang/pseuds/idrilhadhafang
Summary: A collection of Darkpilot ficlets based off various songs on my Spotify playlist for them.
Relationships: Poe Dameron/Ben Solo, Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Poe Dameron/Kylo Ren
Comments: 12
Kudos: 12





	1. Pieces by Red

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: For reference: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5GfsaupMp3AQHQyjHa7U0T?si=FxkR9GUPTqKntEKSQfVs_Q

Wandering the streets of Kijimi with Zorii and smuggling spice where he could was a lonely business, Poe wasn’t going to lie. It wasn’t like he didn’t have anybody; you didn’t have to be alone to be lonely. Zorii was cool, Poe wasn’t going to lie. And then there was the fact that she was the only one who really knew what it was like, wandering the streets of Kijimi and seeing the pain that was there. 

But she wasn’t the same as the boy that Poe had left behind. 

Ben. His best friend, three years younger than he was — when Poe had left, Ben had been thirteen years old and confused as to why Poe was running away. He couldn’t tell Ben the truth. About how things were just getting bad with his father, how his father, simply, wasn’t getting it anymore. He supposed Ben would understand, considering that his own parents didn’t seem to get it, and yet...

Even as Poe got back to the shoddy apartment that he’d been living in for five years now — five years — that he shared with Zorii, Zorii turned to look at him. “You’re drifting,” she said. 

Poe shrugged. “Not really. I guess I’m just...thinking.”

Zorii didn’t know Ben. Maybe one day, she’d get to know Ben. They’d know each other, and get on. Poe could only hope. 

”You need to let that kid go,” Zorii said. “I know that look. You’re thinking about him.”

”He’s my best friend.” Poe said. 

Zorii sighed. “If we could change the past, Spice Runner, I know I’d do it in a heartbeat. But we can’t.”

”Guess not,” Poe said. 

”I’m just gonna get some shut-eye,” Zorii said. 

”Getting your beauty rest?” Poe teased. 

Zorii narrowed her eyes even as she removed her helmet. “I can hurt you, Spice Runner.”

She wouldn't actually do that, of course. But their relationship...it was what it was. A bit rocky, but it was how you survived out there. Just like Ben’s. The difference was that Zorii would remain a friend, and Ben...somehow, Poe didn’t know if his feelings for Ben were entirely that of friendship. 

Ben was eighteen now, growing into a beautiful young man, and Poe was now twenty-one. To think that they’d spent that much time apart. Even as Poe turned on the comm system and contacted Ben, he couldn’t help but feel a pattering of excitement in his chest. 

Ben. Someone caring and brave considering the monsters in his head. Someone who was talented and strong — Ben had confided in him at times that he didn’t know if he was strong enough, but Poe knew that he was amazing. All the powers of a god, and all the humility to make sure he didn’t misuse them. 

Ben’s face appeared onscreen, and Poe grinned despite himself, irrepressibly. “Hey, Poe,” he said, and his voice — Poe would be lying if he said that that voice didn’t do things to him, it was so angelic and beautiful. 

”Hey,” Poe said. “How are things in Jedi-land?”

A shrug from Ben. “The usual. Voe’s being Voe, Tai’s being Tai.”

”Right.” Poe couldn’t say he got Voe, Ben’s self-proclaimed rival at the Academy. It wasn’t like Ben even hated her in turn. It didn’t make any sense. “Your uncle still pushing you?”

A somber nod from Ben. “I just...I can’t tell Tai this, but sometimes I think Uncle Luke’s mad at me.”

”I’m sure he isn’t.” It seemed inconceivable. What had Ben done, really, to make anyone mad at him? 

”It’s just a feeling,” Ben said. “We’ve been fighting more often. Again, I can’t tell Tai, but...I’m scared, Poe.”

”Of fighting?”

”Of my own anger.” Ben took a deep breath. “Usually I’d be able to tell things like this to Tai, but I’m worried he’d think less of me. And you too.”

Poe shook his head. “There’s nothing you could do to make me think that, Ben.”

”You don’t know me.”

”I do, and I know that you’re such a brave, kind person. Determined. Powerful. And hell...if we were doomed to go Dark Side every time we got mad, the Sith would have won a long time ago.”

Ben smiled faintly. “I guess it’s difficult. I’ve seen you...how Light you are...”

Poe laughed, a bit strained. “I’m not all Light. It would be easier if I was. I wouldn’t have run away if I was.”

Ben furrowed his brow. 

”Sometimes I wonder if I should just go home,” Poe said. 

”Then come home,” Ben said. “Your dad will forgive you. Everyone will...at least I will.”

”I don’t know.” Poe sighed; he looked around to make sure Zorii was asleep. Thank the stars she was. "You keep believing in me, don’t you, Ben? Even when I let you down.”

”It’s hard not to,” Ben said. 

Footsteps, clearly on Ben’s end of things. 

”I better go,” Ben said. “My uncle’s not going to be happy I’m up late...not that I can sleep, at least.”

”I’ll see you again, Ben. You’re...” Poe swallowed. He couldn’t find the words to say he loved Ben, that he’d fallen in love with him, but he could say, “You’re important to me. You’re more important than you think.”

Ben smiled faintly. “So are you.”


	2. The Harold Song by Kesha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey and Poe remember Ben. Canonical character death warning!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this a missing scene that could be canon.

It was sometime after the celebration that Poe and Rey actually got to talk — and Rey realized that Poe looked something that she never thought she’d see: genuinely vulnerable and exhausted. 

”You okay?” she said. 

Poe paused. “I never told you the truth about Ben, did I?”

Rey blinked. “You knew Ben?”

”You should have gotten used to the idea of me keeping secrets by now, Rey,” Poe said. There was a hint of wryness in his voice, but also a sort of misery that Rey didn’t think Poe Dameron was capable of. “Yeah...I knew him. We were friends. More than that, actually.”

”Oh. Oh, Ri’ia. I had no idea...” Rey said. Suddenly, she felt even worse for kissing Ben. It had felt like the right thing to do, like in one of those holos she’d seen on Jakku. “Poe, I guess it does explain everything, doesn’t it? How you recognized him on Crait...Poe, I’m sorry...”

”Hey, look,” Poe said, “It’s not like you didn’t lose someone too. You cared about him a lot, didn’t you?”

Rey nodded. “I thought that we were alike,” she said. “And he...there were times he was a monster, but he also gave me tremendous gifts. The fact I’m here...I just don’t know why he did it for me. Me, of all people.”

”Because he was the man I knew again,” Poe said. “People like Luke, Leia...they just saw the scars. They didn’t see how good he really was, in the end.”

”Yeah.” Rey swallowed as she spoke. “I’ve been thinking. Of burying Luke and Leia’s sabers. And when I come back...”

”What are you thinking?” Poe said. 

”He deserves something. Not Kylo, but Ben. Something to remember who he was. The good man he was.”

”Yeah.” There wasn’t any joke that Poe made, anything like that. Just a simple acknowledgment of the truth. 

***

There’s an Academy, on Yavin IV, that Rey Skywalker teaches. (It felt right for her to choose the name Rey Skywalker. All too right) It’s a beautiful Academy, but one feature that stands out is the tree that grows there, ever green and beautiful. Underneath it is a plaque. FOR BEN, it says. It’s a simple plaque, but it will do. For a man who, like the Light and Dark balanced inside him, did plenty of bad and good in his lifetime — and in the end, Rey Skywalker and Poe Dameron chose to remember the good. 


	3. Bedtime by Annie Eve

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo Ren can’t sleep, and is also pining for Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this having to shuffle a couple times because of a contrived interruption.

He should have been able to forget about Poe. That was the thing, wasn’t it? It was supposed to be easier, supposed to be simpler, when you were on the Dark Side. No attachments, nothing like that. Where you could simply be free. But in the end, leaving Poe behind — among others — was far from easy. Kylo wished it was. Maybe that way it wouldn’t hurt so much. 

Maybe that way, it wouldn’t feel like a part of him was cut out that couldn’t be replaced. 

He could remember when Poe was able to visit. Those moments, when their interactions became a tangle of words and kisses and them, and Kylo doubted that he could let go of those memories, even though he wanted to. 

It was easier for those without a heart, he thought, as he settled into the seat where he meditated and occasionally conversed with his grandfather’s helmet. It was easier for people who were more void than being — who didn’t have attachments, who didn’t care about people. Hadn’t that foolish caring been how he had stopped Voe from falling to her death, even though she hadn’t even so much as told him “thank you”?

And Poe himself...if soulmates were a real thing in this galaxy, Kylo would have called Poe one.

It had been part of how Snoke had lured him over. Part of how he had fallen. Part of it was hearing the galaxy screaming in his head for help, for someone to help them. Part of it was Poe. Poe, who meant too much to him. 

”I am weak,” Kylo said to the half-melted ruins of his grandfather's mask. “I always have been. Give me the strength you can, grandfather, to not yield...”

No answer. Predictable, Kylo supposed. At the mercy of his memories, of remembering the feeling of Poe’s forehead against his own, and alone. 

Perhaps that was the worst part about all this. 

Kylo Ren was alone. 


	4. Wasted Years by Cold

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Call this a case of me shuffling again because I got distracted.

Ben supposed that it was fortunate that he hadn’t overexerted himself pouring the life force he had into Rey to save her. Supposed. Given everything he’d done, maybe it would have been better for everyone if he had in fact died. Cowardly of him to think, but it was true nonetheless. He doubted that anyone would accept him, besides Rey; after all, one selfless act didn’t mean that you were redeemed. One selfless act didn’t mean you were a good person. 

Maybe it would have been better off for everyone if he’d died, Ben thought. Poe, for example. After he had torn into Poe’s mind simply because Kylo Ren personally wasn’t strong enough...

Poe. Stars, he hadn’t had time to think of him. Not since the Finalizer. They had crossed paths once when Ben was Kylo, and then they were hovering not far from each other, close enough to touch but not managing. 

Even as he sat on the bed in the spare, almost austere room that he was allowed to have (Poe had allowed him that much, though nothing more. Probably couldn’t risk suspicion), Ben knew that what he had done to Poe was one of the worst things he’d done. There was the fact it was torture — not interrogation, but torture — and then there was the fact he’d done it to the man he’d loved. 

Would Poe find someone else? Maybe he had the right to. And maybe that being could give Poe everything that neither Kylo Ren nor Ben Solo ever could...

A knock on the door. And Poe’s voice. “Ben?”

Ben went still, almost rigid. Just like when his father used it, when Rey used it, when his mother used it, it was enough to make him go still. Like he didn’t know how to respond.

”What do you need?” he said, trying to keep his voice casual. Like what Poe just said, simply his name, wasn’t about to undo him. 

”I thought we’d talk. If you wanted to.”

Ben supposed they could.

And even explaining to Poe what happened, how he got there...it wasn’t a litany of excuses. It was more reassurance, telling Poe that nothing that happened was his fault. 

”If you wanted to,” Ben said, “We could simply move on. You could find someone else. Someone who can give you what I never could. Someone who could love you...without ruining it.”

Poe seemed to be struck for a moment, at least by what exactly Ben had said. Then, “Ben...you think I’m gonna lose you again, after I found you?”

So even after what he had done... “Why?”

”It’s not a Force trick,” Poe said. “I don’t have to absolve you. I don’t have to hate you. Not that I do. But I can still love you after all you’ve done.”

Ben almost feared that the sheer amount of conviction in Poe’s voice would burn him. He supposed, though, he wouldn’t mind burning. Too much. Not when Poe was the cause. 

”I can do that,” Ben said. And when their fingers laced together...Ben found that he could fall here, if it meant he was finally safe.


	5. Coma Black by Marilyn Manson

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yeah, I cheated more than a bit. I shuffled songs until I could get something that could work.

He should have had an endless supply of anger to draw on. Kylo knew that. The fact that Snoke was using him all along, had played him like an instrument while being willing to discard him once he served his purpose. His parents sending him away — maybe his father had ultimately loved him in the end, maybe his mother had believed in him at one point, but in the end, there was nothing left. His father was dead. The scavenger had momentarily blocked him, his uncle had hated him, his mother hated him, and Poe...

Kylo had to keep his breathing from going shallow. Even thinking about Poe was enough to make him all but want to panic. Stars willing he did. Remembering how he’d — and despite himself, he couldn’t help but feel disgusting. He could rationalize the act of interrogation in and of itself as a dirty but necessary act — something he had to do when he was Snoke’s attack rancor. And yet the way Poe had looked...

He had never wanted to make Poe cry. When he had been small — weak, Ben Solo — he had wanted to make Poe happy. To impress him. In the eyes of the youngling Ben had been, and the teenager and young adult he had been, Poe had been perfect. An angel that Ben could never truly touch. 

A meteor shower that only came occasionally. 

Kylo drew in a deep breath in that moment, thinking about being taken from Poe, torn from him. What he had to do, because Snoke’s orders and Luke’s hypocrisy and more. 

He drew in a breath, and remembered — and it was easy to forget for a moment that under the oasis of anger was an ocean of unresolved pain. 


	6. May I by Trading Yesterday

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In an AU where Ben survived (and he and Rey didn’t kiss), Ben gets the chance to reconcile with Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The celebration started proper after, on Ben’s return to the Resistance, he had spoken with his mother. Things were said, old issues were hashed out, tales were told, including how Ben had nearly died saving Rey...and there had nearly been a kiss, before Rey had stopped herself. She’d said it hadn’t felt right, somehow...like she was kissing her cousin. 

Ben knew it was for the best. After all, Rey was dear to him — but that was more like a weird kinship. Something that couldn’t be classified. Maybe he’d find out what that was. One day. 

It felt odd, being in a crowd of people. Feeling alone, even though he was surrounded by others. How could he describe or come back from things he’d done? 

Was one selfless act (as well as killing Knights that were once his comrades) enough? 

***

Eventually, Ben decided that he had to leave the celebration. He didn’t know if he wanted to be around anyone in particular. There were too many people, celebrating — it didn’t feel right somehow. After what he had done...

Rey would understand. She couldn’t help but love him, in her way. It was a pure sort of kinship, a pure sort of compassion, that Ben knew he didn’t deserve. Much like Poe’s faith in him. Much like how he had loved Poe, back when he was Ben Solo, Jedi. He had loved Poe, seeing the good in him even in his worst decisions, but had it been the right thing? 

Footsteps. Then, Poe’s voice. “Need any company?”

Ben looked up. He couldn’t help but feel terribly small in comparison to Poe — even though Poe was smaller than he was. 

”I wanted to find you,” Ben said. “After the _Finalizer_. I’m...sorry.”

”That’s the least of what you have to apologize for.”

”You deserve to know the truth, Poe.” And even as Ben told Poe everything, from Luke nearly killing him to Snoke’s training (it wasn’t abuse, was it, Ben wondered. Not when he was an adult. Not when he was meant to be stronger for it) and more, he kept in mind he wasn’t trying to excuse himself. Nothing could excuse what he did. 

Finally, he finished, and Poe said, “Ben...that’s really kriffed up. I’m sorry.”

”You weren’t at fault.”

”Still. Stars, I can’t believe Luke was willing to redeem Vader and not you...”

”I don’t know.” Had there been anything he had done wrong before he had become Kylo? Anything Luke had seen? 

”I mean...and you say Snoke coerced you? Into hurting me?”

”It wasn’t like he had a blaster to my head...”

”Still.” Poe sighed. “I turned around my life, Ben. You can do that too.”

”You didn’t kill anyone who wasn’t trying to kill you.”

”I still did some really shady stuff.” Then, “Ben...what I want to do is start a life with you. The life you should have had.”

”With...you?” Ben said. 

”Yeah. We won’t be enemies anymore. We’ll be together. Poe Dameron and Ben Solo, together as it should be.”

”You can’t possibly feel that for me.”

”When I joined the Resistance, I did it to look for you. Because I love you. Still.”

Ben, slowly, nodded. 

”I...feel the same way about you. If you’ll have me. If I’m good enough for you.”

Poe grinned. “You always were.”


	7. She Is The Sunlight by David Hodges (original by Trading Yesterday)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben is lonely, struggling and pining for Poe.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You seem more distant than usual, Ben,” Tai said. “It’s like you’re drifting.”

They were out in the courtyard, in one of their breaks from Jedi training, and Ben knew that he couldn’t hide things from Tai. Not that easily. From his insecurities about his family to more, Ben knew that hiding things from Tai was useless. “Am I?” he said wryly. “I thought I was the telepath. I’m supposed to know what people are thinking.”

Tai sighed. “Funny, Ben. But you seem far away.”

”Whatever you do, don’t tell anyone.” Ben ran a hand through his hair. “I don’t want them to know.”

”Are you ill?” Tai said, worried. 

Maybe in a way. But really... “It’s Poe. Not Voe, Poe.”

”I know you didn’t get in a fight, so...”

”I love him,” Ben said. It was too quick, he thought, too open. But it was the truth. He had loved this brilliant, beautiful, caring, talented being since they were both younglings; it would be a miracle if Poe loved him, as Ben wanted him to. “And if I told him...stars, Uncle Luke’s still trying to decipher the Jedi texts, figure out what goes where.” He sighed. “I can’t love Poe. And even if I could, someone like him...he couldn’t love me.”

”That’s ridiculous,” Tai said softly. "It would be impossible for him not to. You’re brave, powerful, kind.”

”He doesn’t know me. No one does.”

Tai furrowed his brows briefly. Then, gently, "More people know you than you think. You think you’re alone...you have the biggest family in the galaxy. More than you think.”

Ben hoped. It was a blessing, having such a large family. It was a curse, because he could never be as good as any of them. 

”Poe would be a fool,” Tai said, "To reject you.”

***

Ben could only hope. Even later, trying to fall asleep, he thought of more pleasant fantasies. Racing Poe through the sky over Uncle Luke’s Academy. Flying the Falcon together. It didn’t block out the voice that seemed to this time morph into Ren’s. 

_You mean nothing to him, kid. You have no place in this story. You come from nothing, are nothing...but not to me_. 

Ben gritted his teeth. Whether Ren could contact him telepathically, or anything...he wished it would stop. But what if Poe thought he was nothing? What if, in the end, Ren was all he had?

Ben tried not to think about that too hard. He tried thinking of Poe — he could pretend his mind wasn’t under siege, and he could pretend he was with Poe...no matter how his monsters tried to sabotage it. 


	8. Sad Song by We The Kings ft. Elena Coats

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After a while of an established relationship, Ben breaks up with Poe — the same night Luke nearly kills him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“It’s for the best, Poe. I don’t want to do this, but...I want to protect you.”

Ben knew that talking to himself, rehearsing what he needed to say in his room in his hut, was a guaranteed sign of being odd. He supposed that he had to do it anyway. Even though it hurt. Even though breaking up with Poe...it felt too much like severing a Force Bond, or losing a limb. The absence would be felt, and it would hurt.

He sighed. Writing it down would give him what he needed to say, at least.

_My dear angel,_

_I wouldn’t be doing this if not for the fact that I want to protect you. The monsters in my head are getting ever stronger — and I fear that being too close to me will only hurt you. I’m scared of leaving you on your own. Of course I am. Without each other, we’re two halves who can’t find our whole. Without each other, we’re two halves of a broken Force Bond; the wound is there even if the link is not. The Sith talk about dyads, but in a way, we don’t need to be linked in the Force to be two that are one. I feel like you are my emotional dyad, at least — my other, better half. (I know you doubt how good you are, but you are good. Kind. Brave. Maybe stubborn and prideful, but it is so like me that I cannot condemn you, and I love you more)_

_I can’t stay with you. I will only ruin you. I want you to be happy, and I am too broken, too monstrous to give you what you need. What you deserve is a gentler lover, free of their demons.  
_

_I love you, Poe. I will always love you. But I know that whoever finds you next...they’ll give you everything that you need, that I’m too broken to give.  
_

_Forever,_

_Ben Solo_

It was one of those things that hurt. Even sending the missive, Ben...he never understood the phrase “broken heart”. But lying in bed, trying to fall asleep (long before Luke Skywalker’s error in judgment that was the tipping point) and feeling how painful every beat of his heart was...Ben thought he understood now. 


	9. Still Here by Digital Daggers

They can see each other in sleep, if nothing else. Poe’s days are busy, rebuilding the Republic and making sure everything works; sometimes, he wonders how exactly they can rebuild a Republic from this. And when the splinters of his loss start itching beneath his skin? That’s a feeling he can ignore, at least. 

In dreams, he can see Ben. He wishes, sometimes, that it hadn’t ended the way it did. He wishes that Ben could have had a different life. War happens throughout the centuries. People die in war. It doesn’t make it hurt any less. 

But with Ben, he can meet in artificial, mentally constructed semblances of where they used to play on Yavin IV...and they will be fine. 


	10. Save Me by Skillet

When they tear off clothes in Ben’s hut, Ben can tell it’s desperation — Poe desperate to soothe, Ben desperate to have some degree of soothing, even though it’s painful, even though his very self feels like it’s being ripped apart. He wants to forget things like Ren asking him on Elphrona if this is the life for him, like Voe calling him a freak, like the way the other students save for Tai and Hennix looked at him —

Poe seems to look at him like he’s beautiful, at least. It’s reverence, like somehow, even though he’s tainted and disgusting and wrong, Poe would still stay with him. He loves him. 

Ben should push himself away. He’s no good for Poe. He’ll ruin him. 

He succumbs anyway. To Poe, tentatively, asking if he can touch him. He agrees, and then succumbs to the feeling of Poe’s lips and fingers caressing him, making him gasp at the things he’s feeling. 

”I’m not leaving you,” Poe says, between caresses. “I made my choice and I’m not leaving you. Really.”

Ben can believe him. The purity in Poe’s words, the conviction. Poe’s stroking him off, and Ben wonders, somewhere in his mind not overwhelmed by pleasure, if he would do anything to make sure that he could keep Poe with him. 

His orgasm takes him by surprise. It’s explosive, a thermal detonator going off. And later, when Poe’s using the remnants of his release to enter him...

He’s groaning, aching. Poe’s stroking him off again, reassuring him, and he comes again — and after a while, after Poe enters him again and again, Poe releases, hot and white and sticky, inside him. 

They lie together. Ben should let him go, but he doesn’t want to, even as they lie entangled together. 


	11. I Still Burn by Tobias Regner

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe thinks he’s found a clue as to what’s happened to Ben — or has he?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Searching for Ben was something that Poe did when he had time. Plenty of time. In between missions, in between near-death experiences, he searched for Ben. And he wished that he could find Ben, proper. 

Even as he sat in his X-wing, looking over old holos of Kylo Ren...Poe couldn’t help but think of when he and Ben played make believe as kids. When Ben used the term “Kylo” in their games. 

Sometimes he thought Ben enjoyed using that name too much. Like it was a liberation. Poe didn’t get it; it had to be cool, having an uncle like Luke Skywalker, being named for Ben Kenobi...

Then again, Poe supposed it also had to be lonely. 

BB-8 beeped behind him, asking if he was all right. 

”Fine.” Poe sighed. “Guess I’m just going crazy. Seeing Ben everywhere I look. If I’m not careful, I’ll start thinking he’s still here...”

He laughed, a bit strained. 

”He couldn’t be Kylo,” Poe said, low enough that he hoped BB-8 wouldn’t hear. “He’d never betray us. I know he wouldn’t.”

If BB-8 was confused about Poe’s mutterings, he said nothing.


	12. Maps (Rock) By Our Last Night (original by Maroon 5)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A missing scene between Poe and Lor San Tekka.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

“You’re not just here about the map to Luke, are you?” Tekka said. Even in the shadows of the tent, where Poe waited as BB-8 was on patrol, Poe could feel the old man’s eyes on him, seeming to see right through him. Like he knew about the nights Poe stayed up, wondering about the pieces he was trying to put together, wondering if he was just hallucinating. 

Poe shook his head. “I’d be lying if I said that was all. Lor...do you know what happened to Ben?”

Tekka looked sorrowful. Then, “I’m sorry, Poe. I’m afraid that he’s a prisoner of the First Order.”

”What?” Poe said. “They — are they torturing him? Tell me they aren’t torturing him, tell me he isn’t suffering.” And yet he had a sick feeling that that was the case. He had a sick feeling that the First Order wasn’t treating Ben kindly. Of course they wouldn’t. After all, since when did the First Order treat any of their prisoners kindly? At least the Resistance didn’t torture their prisoners. 

Lor looked sorrowful. “I can say no more.”

”Lor, you have to. He could...” Poe broke off. Somehow, he didn’t want to even think of it. 

”You can save him,” Lor San Tekka said. “It will just be difficult. The First Order tells many lies, and the architecture is difficult to see.”

Poe didn’t have time to consider that as Tekka gave him the map. But he could at least consider it, when the Resistance picked him up from Jakku, asking him questions about what Kylo had done to him. He wished they’d leave him alone. He hated Kylo as it was, and Ben...

After everything was over, he had to find Ben. He had to. 


	13. Here With Me by Marshmello ft. Chvrches

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a galaxy where Ben and Luke drove Palpatine and Snoke out of Ben’s head, Ben reunites with Poe after the Temple’s destruction.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Yes, I’m skipping around on this one.

The Temple was all but demolished. Ben couldn’t deny it. He and his uncle had managed to drive that presence out of his mind, and Ben was grateful — though at the same time, he also felt strange without it. But the Temple was all but gone — it was a good thing that he hadn’t been caught in the proximity of the Dark Side storm. Who knew what would have happened if he had been?

Just about everyone was dead. And the fight against the Dark Side — how would they stand a chance against the First Order? 

Even as he walked into the hangar, Ben couldn’t help but feel like he was in a nightmare. Like he was in some sort of vision that could be averted in time. 

It wasn’t. And maybe that was the worst part. 

Poe ran towards him, his hair a mess, and it was just about always a relief to see him, but here? Especially. 

Poe hugged him, and Ben hugged him back, not caring that their hug was probably making his uncle wonder about their relationship. If they were “just friends”. Ben knew he needed Poe, here with him. 

”I knew,” Poe said. “Your mom told me you were in trouble — so I came.”


	14. I Caught Fire by The Used

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: My Darkpilot playlist playing happy music? That’s actually a twist!

There’s something about them getting into a relationship proper after that incident with Ransolm Casterfo telling the galaxy about Ben’s heritage that’s enough to make Ben feel stronger, more alive. He’s still hurting, and yet it’s like around Poe, the hurting seems more bearable. Even looking over at Poe, who’s still asleep in Ben’s bed after one of their nights sharing a bed, Ben can’t help but wonder how he was so lucky, so fortunate, to have this brilliant, talented being choose him, of all people?

Him. Ben Solo, grandson of Darth Vader. Him, Ben Solo, who had the galaxy all but screaming in his head. Him. 

Poe stirs next to him in that moment. Ben knows that others won’t understand the both of them, this bond they share. Voe Kae would probably think he’d gone to the Dark Side — but with Poe Dameron, when Ben’s around him, he feels safe. Complete. 

”What time is it?” Poe mutters. 

Ben, feeling a tug of affection, checks the chrono. “Five o’hundred. We still have a while. And stars, I don’t think my Uncle really cares when you show up. As long as you do.”

”That’s good.” Poe kisses him, and Ben all but melts against his lips. “We could stay in bed. Just talk. Or do other things."

Poe’s hardening against his thigh. Ben groans, feeling a bit needy in that moment, not just for the physical contact, but the emotional as well. It seems like it’ll never end. Ben doesn’t want it to. 

”I’m all for that,” Ben says, and Poe’s mouth, placing kisses all over his body, all but robs him of coherent speech. 


	15. A Tout Le Monde by Megadeth

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ben has a moment outside the Temple on Elphrona.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing. 
> 
> Author’s Notes: Well, no one really proved that this didn’t happen during The Rise of Kylo Ren. Just saying.

It’s on Elphrona that Ben looks at the Temple, the Temple where he, Skywalker (he can’t call that beast his uncle), and Lor San Tekka faced Ren and his Knights before. It feels almost like a more innocent time, before everything went wrong. He has to go in the Temple, but first, he has to contact Poe. 

Poe sounds flabbergasted even as Ben tells him what happened — at least about the Temple being fried by that storm. He doesn’t know if he can tell Poe about Skywalker; after all, Skywalker was a family friend of the Damerons. It would break Poe to know the truth. Then, “Ben, come with me to the Resistance. We can keep you safe.”

”Poe, don’t.” Ben’s voice sounds weary to his ears even as he speaks. "It’s no place for you. I have to go alone.”

”You’re not alone.” Poe, in contrast, sounds so impassioned, speaking with such conviction. “You never have been. I’ll help you, if you need it.”

Ben smiles faintly, despite himself. “You’ve never been alone either,” he says. “Really.”

”Don’t go this way, Ben.”

”I didn’t belong in the Order. I can belong somewhere else. Somewhere greater.” A beat. “I promise, Poe, I’ll make my way back to you. I’ll come back.”

”I love you.”

”Poe.” Ben’s breathing hitches. “I...” _I’m not worthy of you_ , he can’t help but think. _I never have been_. Then, “I love you,” he says. His heart’s racing. It’s faster than he thought it would be. “And I’ll return. I’ll always return.”

He has to end the transmission. He has to. He knows what he has to do. Snoke said as much; join the Knights or die. 

He knows, even as he steps into the Temple on Elphrona, that he’s heading on a different path. And perhaps, for a change, he knows where he’s going. 


	16. Haunted by Evanescence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poe, before heading to Takodana.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.
> 
> Author’s Notes: Had to skip around for a bit, because a lot of my ideas seemed more WIP worthy.

They had a while before they had to head out again. Poe could at least be grateful for that. He’d said what he’d needed to say in his flight log, including the fact that he wanted to talk only about Kylo when the latter was in a prison cell. 

Yes. That was it. Some would have wanted worse for Kylo, but Poe knew that Resistance justice would do, more than anything. Kylo’s fate would be up to General Organa. Poe couldn’t argue with that idea. With the thought that she would do a good job, dealing with that monster. 

Monster. Poe didn’t usually like thinking of people as just monsters. It wasn’t how he did things. He liked to think a lot of beings had good in them. A lot of beings. But Kylo...

He’d killed Lor. Massacred innocent people even though Poe had tried to avert it. (And maybe that was one of the worst parts, realizing that he hadn’t saved them) And his mind...

Poe could remember, so briefly, being unmade on the rack. Seeing his worst memories, including his final transmission with Ben. Watching Ben walk out of his life, over and over again...

He hated Kylo. Hated Ben, for different reasons. For leaving Poe, again and again and again...

Rest. He needed to rest. He gripped his pillow, trying to fight the waves of angry grief that seemed to lash at his shores. 

His nightmares were too vivid. 


	17. Without Me by Halsey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

The new Supreme Leader was surprisingly young, some of the others commented. Poe couldn’t deny it, even trying to answer everyone else’s questions. Including the fact that no matter what Kylo had done — and he’d done a lot — they weren’t doing worse to him. 

No one deserved torture, no matter what their crimes. General Organa had said that, and Poe had believed it whole-heartedly. 

He was still processing the very idea that Ben was Kylo. It was wrong, all wrong. There was so much wrong with it, so much that didn’t make sense. Ben had been having problems, but becoming Kylo Ren? It didn’t make sense.

Poe doubted it ever would, really. 

Eventually, the questions died down, and Poe could go back to his quarters. Thank the stars. He didn’t know how much more he could take, and he wished he could. But it made no sense.

Bitterly, Poe hoped Kylo was happy where he was. Maybe he was. Maybe he was gloating over everything he did and planning to do it again if he got the chance. Of course he would. Maybe —

And yet he wondered if Ben was really happy. He couldn’t be. Not if —

Poe sighed. He couldn’t tell anyone. He could only keep things close to his chest, more secrets he could never tell. 


	18. If You Only Knew by Shinedown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Rise of Kylo Ren didn’t really go into Ben’s motivations much.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I own nothing.

He couldn’t say that he believed in the Jedi Order much. Not anymore. When he’d been sent away, it had been something where he assumed that his parents had good intentions. Especially his mother. Now, though, there was Ren suggesting there was another way. Another life. Outside of what he thought was true. 

And then there was Poe, of course. Poe Dameron, who meant the galaxy to Ben. Poe, who was calling back to him with stories of what he’d seen on missions, occasionally talking about what he’d seen on Kijimi when he’d been away. The pain in his voice, the sheer heaviness there. Four oh three hundred and Ben was lying awake with the recollections of Poe playing in his head. 

_The Jedi can’t save him_. the voice in his mind said. _The Republic can’t save him. But perhaps you can. If you’re strong enough. Powerful enough_. 

”I can’t just leave him,” Ben said softly. He didn’t have to tell the voice how much he loved Poe. The voice already knew, no doubt. 

_And you won’t have to. Your grandfather was clumsy and stupid. You...you are the man he couldn’t be_.

Ben could only hope. All his hopes and expectations depended on being strong enough. Good enough. He could hold a fragment of Poe Dameron’s life in the palm of his hand, and wonder how he could fix it.

He would dismantle the Republic if it meant it was rebuilt into a paradise to give Poe. If he could. And the Voice understood him. Accepted him. 

Ben sighed. Uncle Luke didn’t know him. This Voice did. It knew him, and loved him. And Ben knew that he needed help, special help, to save Poe. 


	19. So Contagious by Acceptance

When Ben Solo fell in love with Poe Dameron, he couldn’t say that it was just one thing that really got him to fall in love. 

It was a series of things. It wasn’t even the fact that Poe was perhaps the most beautiful man that Ben had ever seen. It was, simply, how he was. There was the fact that he was funny. The way he could word things just right, to get Ben laughing no matter what. The way that he could be so kind to others — helping them and seeing the good in them no matter who they were. 

His courage. His loyalty. His talent. There were so many things that made Ben, simply, love him with all he was. Love him, in a way that made him feel healed and shredded to pieces all at once. 

And he couldn’t tell Poe. Not yet. How was he going to phrase that he was utterly head-over-heels in love with Poe, when they had been friends since they were children? 

He would, at some point. For now, though, Ben could keep things to himself. He almost liked having a secret, really. 


End file.
